In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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