Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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