Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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