He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
