I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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