I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
