i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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