is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
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I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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