The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
