She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
