I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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