i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
