so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
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