Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
