I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
