so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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