everyone is single if you try hard enough
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
