literally had 100 drinks last night.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
