K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
