Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
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My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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