His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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