Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
