Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
