picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
