I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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