Screwed.edu
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Randomize