My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
