bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize