so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
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St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
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We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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