mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
