my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
