he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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