so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
