just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
