I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
