Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
