I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
