i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Life is so much better after having sex.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
