Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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