Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
