I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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