Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
