Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
