You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
