i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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