In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
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