He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
