I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
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Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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