So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
