Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
