I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
