twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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