remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
should my penis look like a turkey
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Randomize
