I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
