my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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