He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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